A Mother’s Reflection on Grief at Christmas
When the Holidays Don’t Feel Merry: A Mother’s Reflection on Grief at Christmas
For most people, the holiday season brings excitement — the sparkle of lights, the scent of pine, and the sound of familiar carols filling the air. But for many others, especially those who have lost someone they love, this season can stir deep pain instead of joy.
Studies suggest that nearly 40% of adults feel emotionally drained or sad during the holidays, often due to grief or loneliness. If your heart feels heavy when everyone else seems to be celebrating, I understand. You are not alone.
My First Christmas Without Jason
I know this pain very well.
In 2018, my son Jason died, and although I know he is in heaven, that first Christmas without him was one of the hardest seasons of my life. Shopping was miserable because everyone around me seemed so joyful — couples holding hands, children laughing, Christmas music playing through the stores. Each song of “Joy to the World” brought me to tears. The mixture of emotions was confusing at times.
That year, I didn’t decorate at all. I couldn’t. The lights, the tree, and even the ornaments felt like too much. I just needed to breathe. My mom, in her great wisdom, suggested that we do something entirely different that year. She said, “No one will be visiting my home this Christmas — we’ve done that for over fifty years. Instead, let’s all go to your brother’s home in Colorado.”
So, we did. We skipped gift-giving altogether and decided to simply be together — doing fun, simple things, soaking in the beauty of the Colorado snow. It turned out to be one of the most healing choices we could have made. It reminded me that Christmas didn’t have to look the same to still hold love and meaning. By the second year without Jason, the holiday traditions began to feel special again — not because the pain was gone, but because I had learned how to carry both love and loss in the same heart.
It’s Okay to Do Christmas Differently
Grief changes everything.
It’s okay if the holidays look different this year. It’s okay to:
Say “no” to large gatherings or events that feel overwhelming. If you go and need a break, take some 'time out' by taking a walk or sitting in a quiet room - away from the noise.
Skip decorating or putting up the tree. If you have children who want the decorations, you can scale it down to a comfortable level.
Order gifts online instead of facing busy stores.
Do something entirely new, or even nothing at all. Don't completely isolate as this may intensify your pain.
There is no “right” or “wrong” way to grieve. What matters most is listening to your heart and doing what feels gentlest for your soul.
Sometimes, creating new traditions — even small ones — helps you breathe again. You might light a candle for your loved one, visit a special place, volunteer, or spend quiet time outdoors. The change of scenery or rhythm can help your heart heal, even just a little.
A “Blue Christmas”
Elvis Presley’s song “Blue Christmas” captures the heart of what so many grievers feel — that quiet ache of missing someone deeply while the world around you seems to sparkle with cheer. If this Christmas feels “blue,” it doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. It simply means your love is still strong. This will be easier next year as you continue to work through your emotional pain.
Light in the Darkness
Even if you approach the holidays from a secular or non-religious viewpoint, there’s still something sacred about the season — a longing for light in the middle of darkness. For those who draw strength from faith, one gentle reminder has always comforted me:
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” — Psalm 34:18
Grief may soften slowly, and hope does return. Love doesn’t end with death — it transforms. And even on the bluest Christmas, there can still be small moments of peace, connection, and love.
A Gentle Reminder
If you’re grieving this season, be kind to yourself. Whether you spend Christmas quietly, surrounded by a few people who understand, or doing something completely different, know that you are honoring your loved one by taking care of yourself.
Healing doesn’t mean forgetting. It means allowing love to take on a new form.
From one grieving heart to another — you are not alone.
You don’t have to go through this lonely season alone. Let’s walk this road together, step by step, toward hope and healing.
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